somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
