I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
