make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
