i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
