I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
