I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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