Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
