I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
