Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
