i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
