Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
