you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
