I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
