I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
