everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
