We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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