When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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