She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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