I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
