my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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