You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
