Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
