I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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