Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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