Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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