i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
