Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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