so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Randomize
