Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
