you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
