Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
