I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
