I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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