My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
