Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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