You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
