I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
