I murdered the dance floor call the cops
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
