I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
