Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Semen is not good for contacts.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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