I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
