I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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