Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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