So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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