I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
