He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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