I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
