there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
