Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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