i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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