Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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